Sunday, May 05, 2013


Tulip Collaboration
with Gail Slaughter
(She took the photograph; I painted it)

This first section is copied from the New York Times and is only part of the total story there:

Suicide rates among middle-aged Americans have risen sharply in the past decade, prompting concern that a generation of baby boomers who have faced years of economic worry and easy access to prescription painkillers may be particularly vulnerable to self-inflicted harm.

More people now die of suicide than in car accidents, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, which published the findings in Friday’s issue of its Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report. In 2010 there were 33,687 deaths from motor vehicle crashes and 38,364 suicides.

Although suicide rates are growing among both middle-aged men and women, far more men take their own lives. The suicide rate for middle-aged men was 27.3 deaths per 100,000, while for women it was 8.1 deaths per 100,000.

“It’s vastly underreported,” said Julie Phillips, an associate professor of sociology at Rutgers University who has published research on rising suicide rates. “We know we’re not counting all suicides.”

Another factor may be the widespread availability of opioid drugs like OxyContin and oxycodone, which can be particularly deadly in large doses.

*     *     *     *

I've written about suicide before.  More than once.  It may be a real option for me, later.

Last time I had this condition, I began to seriously consider suicide.  The unrelenting nearly unbearable pain, the worst pain of my life, went on and on and on.  How would I do it?  Sleeping pills, of course.  I guess.

So now, I'm reconsidering.  Thinking about suicide again.

I'm not ready to do it--I generally like being alive, except for this pain.  And, I'm afraid of the pain of dying and afraid of death itself.  I keep hoping for healing.  For some relief from the pain.  But when it's bad and I consider the options, suicide seems like one of them.

I recently threw away eleven bottles of sleeping pills.  I should have saved them.  If I do do it, I want to do a good job, not a half-assed one.  I do have more, and the others were expired.  I don't take sleeping pills any more.

*     *     *     *

Tulips, on the other hand, are one reason to stay alive.


Biomouse said...

I'm sorry it has been so terribly long since ie visited you or used my own blog really. I'm trying to get better about reaching out, but do know I have always enjoyed your writings, poetry, and personal musings.

Suicide is a very tough subject. I'm sorry to learn you suffer from incredible bouts of pain and suffering, chronic pain is a mind numbing and will crushing experience. I worry about being in too much pain, and yes, I think about suicide in a generic sense, as a possibly necessary step at some point in my life...but it's really counter intuitive to think of death as an answer to life.

I so appreciate you sharing, and hope you know I'm here if you need a pick me up-just email me! Wishing you the very best.

John said...

How terrible Mary, those shocking statistics. Shocking though they are I am not surprised, I think it will be the same in the UK. It seems to be that our goverments have removed hope from the lives of their constituents. Margaret Thatcher started the slide in Britain (my opinion).

Your situation of course is completely different with such terrible pain, I continue to hope and pray for your swift and complete recovery.

Mary Stebbins Taitt said...

Thank you John and Biomouse!!!!

Yesterday, I had a better pain day. I was feeling more hopeful.

When I have a series of agonizing days, my quality of life seems questionable or downright bad.

I am not in IMMEDIATE danger of offing myself.