Wednesday, January 31, 2007
I do know that with my mother's death, I am even more time conscious than normal. I'm next in line.
Silly you may say. Anyone may go next, with the simple roll of a die.
True, I might reply. But the die is weighted toward the elderly.
I'm now the family matriarch on one side of the family, but I still feel like a kid. But Mom, do I HAVE to grow up? Mom, are you listening?
Anti-whimper: I did post one more chapter in my novel, Frog Haven, Chapter 10, and I hope to post more soon. To explain (after severl questions), this is NOT the first draft, but revision drafts. Whimper: And I am posting them as a sort of safeguard because my old computer died with several manuscripts on it that did not have adequate back up--and thousands of pictures with no back up. Including some good ones and many with personal significance.
Anti Whimper: Later; OK, I finally got Chapter 11 and Chapter 12 posted. Phew.
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Next time I finish a book, I am going to take all the other recently finished books in the sidebar and use them to start a 2007 reading list, which I will update as I go along. Some of those books were mostly read in 2006, but I will include them anyway if I finished them in 2007.
Monday, January 29, 2007
Sunday, January 28, 2007
Friday, January 26, 2007
I was really DESPERATELY needing a hug--and I GOT one--two--more!
They were virtual hugs. One from Sara and one from Nicole. And a few by email.
I still need hugs, pretty desperately, but, at the same time, I feel MUCH better. Thank you!
So here are some hugs, coming right back at you!!! PS: click image to view larger.
WILD CRAZY HUGS, warm loving hugs. Zillions of them, flooding you with love. HUG!!!!! HUG!!!!
Feel hugged. Feel loved. Smile! :-D
P365-07A if you call this art, LOL!
I gave him a loving valentine's-day card. He wrote me a cute note. I made him a wafer pie, one of his favorites. I hope it comes out good and he enjoys it. I was very disappointed yesterday at the wasted effort attempting to make him a good pork-chop dinner. I can't eat wafer pies, not even a tiny taste, so I do hope he likes it and is happy with it. He did take some of my cornbread for his lunch. YAY!
The book: Good in Bed. I finished it this morning and it was very good and I cried.
Interestingly, there's a baby in each book--Good in Bed and The Mineral Palace, with a similar problem, but the outcome is totally different. I won't say any more in case you are going to read them.
I also cried last night. I ought to write this in Unbearable Darkness, but I guess I will write it here. Ever since my mother died I've been begging Keith to call ML, his mother. He just ignores me. "We don't talk on the phone," he says. I say, "You don't have to talk, just call her." But he won't. He doesn't understand that it's for me. My mother is gone, and I am so sad. (boo hoo, can't stop crying), and I want to touch a little mother-child love that I miss vicariously through him and her. So I wrote her a letter and made a card and printed her a picture and cried the whole time. I will go out in the mail today. It's nothing terribly special. I want to touch her, but more than that, I also want to reach through to my own my mother to whom I can no longer write. I used to write to her sometimes every day, every other day or at least several times a week and there's a hole in my life now. I can't call ML because I'd probably just cry on the phone.
I didn't cry much when I heard the news that my Mom had died. I was dazed for days. I did cry a little, but very little. Now, I am crying a lot. I feel worse rather than better, But that's probably because I am feeling. I wasn't feeling anything before.
Keith and I had a big fight last night and all of this was part of that. The crux of the matter came down to connotation and denotation. He was insisting on his right to use a perjorative word because he was using the correct denotation. I was offended by the connotation. And ne're the twain shall meet.
We got very angry. Some of that anger is still lingering around the edges, but without apologizing (both of us still think we are right), we did resume friendliness to some extent. He was supposed to take me to the drugstore to pick up yet more meds (pain pills, Tramadol), but I went by myself. I didn't know the way, living like I do in a strange, unfamiliar town, and I got lost. I did find it, after a while, and while I was there, I bought him a valentine's card and hid it where he'd find it in the morning. And one for Graham. Then I tried to go to the Library which was nearby, but I tried to turn into the exit side of the driveway and then when I realized it was a "do-not-enter one-way" driveway. I tried to drive around the block and got lost again in a maze of one-way and dead end streets, I got very scared after a while, wishing Keith were driving, because he knows his way around. But I never told him. I was gone a long time as a result of my various lostnesses.
I also didn't tell him that I had planned a big meal and had started preparing it early. I was making porkchops, home made cornbread, homemade apple-pear sauce, a veggie stirfry etc--and he arrived him with pizza. Which he and Graham proceeded to eat--and I can't eat pizza. So I ate the pork and cornbread alone in the kitchen. I was already angry with him for telling Graham he could do something that he had previously said he couldn't and not letting me know.
The word was "unavailable." He said I was "unavailable" because I couldn't hear the phone when Graham called. I was home and waiting for the call but I had the radio on. The phone is shut in the powder room. The radio was NOT loud, but just loud enough I guess that I never heard it. I had arranged my whole day around being available at that time, so I was offended by his continued insistence that I was UNavailable. He was totally unwilling to choose another less offensive word. He WANTED to hurt me, he CHOSE to hurt me and he didn't care that there might be some other kinder more appropriate way to express it. He kept repeating it and repeating it. Like it was my FAULT. I won't go into all the other things he said and I said, and the ridiculous escalation of anger over something so "trivial."
I think of "unavailable" as meaning someone who is too busy to be available for their family or too cold to be available for sex. Neither of those apply to me--I try very hard and in fact had gone out of my way to be available to Graham at that time. I try to be available to him as well. I found it particularly mean and cruel that he would purposely choose to use an unkind, hurtful and perjorative word and twist it around and repeat it loudly and meanly in a horrible voice when it was so patently untrue in regards to my INTENT and the care I had taken to arrange my day to available to Graham.
I think I may need to get my hearing tested. I very rarely hear the phone when it rings. Of course having it locked in the powder room is sort of like stuffing a pillow over it.
See, it's not Whiney Wednesday, so all this stuff should have been posted to Unbearable Darkness instead of here.
Antiwhine: It's snowing, and it looks pretty outside.
Antiwhine: Keith has to work tomorrow, so I won't have to worry about his saying anything mean to me all day.
Additonal whine: It's scary if our relationship has reached a point where I am glad when he's away. That's how I usually felt about husband #2 for a long long time. After a certain point, I was always grateful and relieved for him to be anywhere other that with me, even if it mean he was having an affair. I felt that way about husband #1, too, and was desperately relieved when he ran off with another woman. Phew. Good bye and good riddance. Hope I don't start feeling that way about Keith, but if he insists that I'm unavailable (when it isn't even true) and is mean about it, I'll be relieved to NOT be with him. I truly would prefer to be alone that to be with Keith the way he was acting last night. And to think that that person is inside the man I love is really scary and upsetting. Not that I was any angel, I wasn't, not by a long shot. But look at it this way--if I'm alone, I'm not hurting anyone. I think when fighting starts to escalate and there is no rescuing the day, being apart is kinder and gentler for everyone. Continued fighting does not help. But when I tried not talking, he said, "See, I'm right, you can't think of anything to say to defend yourself." Which wasn't true, I could think of a LOT to say. I was trying to simply stop fighting by not responding. But he continued berating me, even though I was saying nothing, until I had to leave.
Antiwhine: I really enjoyed the book, Good in Bed. It hit really close to home a number of times, but I liked it. I listened to it while I was doing my exercises, and I could tell it was nearly over, so I sat on the side of the bed and heard it to the end. And cried, tears streaming and streaming down my cheeks. Well, I meant it as an antiwhine--it was a good book!
Whine: I haven't had breakfast yet and I am really hungry. I have to wait an hour after I take my meds and then I always get busy with something.
Antiwhine: I'm going to go downstairs shortly and make myself a nice omelette. (After I do a few more things I have to do.)
Whine: He looks so sweet--and he is sweet--but inside him is a monster. I've got one too, and we aren't good at keeping them leashed. It's very disturbing to me when the monsters get out and trample everything. And each time, the rhetoric gets worse. Crueler. And we didn't even get any good sex afterwards to purge ourselves. (Or any bad sex, either.) And I still haven't eaten breakfast.
Antiwhine: There must be something good. Hey: right now I have almost no pain. My pain is significantly better at this moment. There. Something good. :-)
Whine: The spell-checker in blogger isn't working and I am too upset to do a good job proofing, I'm not very good at it in the best of circumstances.
Antiwhine--oh-oh--do I have to think of another antiwhine? I'd pretty much exhausted them. Keith is probably working late, 10 hours, so I probably have the day to myself. And then he'll be tired and go to bed early. Less chance for a fight to develop. And it is still snowing and looks pretty. I like trees. I like trees full of snow. OK, quick, lemme out of here before I think of more whining.
Thursday, January 25, 2007
I am grateful that the sun is shining, even though I haven't been able to get outside today.
I am thankful that my pain is very much less than it was, even though I am out of the meds that have provided this respit.
I am grateful for my sweet husband who is amazing patient and kind. And my children, and their health.
I am grateful for the nice supper I'm planning tonight. I hope it comes out as well as I expect it will. (BBQed pork chops, stirfied veggies, homemade apple-pear sauce, homemade cornbread. Yum)
I am grateful for trees and their graceful silhouettes, grateful for beauty and a heart that appreciates it.
I am grateful for the life of my mother and for her sweet kind soul, and for my father and his life as well.
I am grateful for all my friends and the people who have given my solace with their kind words.
I am still reading Home Ground, edited by Barry Lopez, Good in Bed, Cider House Rules, Suddenly Fruit, Tag-a-long Tooloo, Captains Courageous and Living Artfully (did I leave anything out?)
I'm not updating the side bar reading list right now because I don't have time. That's what they made tomorrow for--or the next day.
I got this for $1.99 at Books 4 Less in Liverpool, but the sad thing is that none of that money reaches the author, I don't think. It was good enough that she should get something!!! OH, and of course, this NOT my photo, but a scan of the book jacket of the hardcover version. I like it better than the paperback cover I posted earlier. I started The Snow Queen but haven't gotten very far.
And--duh--I DID update the sidebar. The reading list, anyway, nothing else.
I posted my P365 posts yesterday to IMAGIK and The Unbearable Darkness of Being. (And another.) Also posted a P365 post today at IMAGIK. P365-07A.
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
I guess I could have posted here today for Wednesday Whining but I forgot.
I posted on healing (not).
I posted on using things passed down. I prolly could have posted about that here, but I was so down I automatically went there to post. And more.
At least I have a cute husband. And sweet. And funny. YAY! I'm smiling. Smiling now. Sort of.
Sunday, January 21, 2007
I am also still listening to Cider House Rules--in a tape recorder not a CD player.
And in addition to still reading Tag-a-long Too-loo, The Mineral Palace, Home Ground, Oaxaca Journal, Captains Courageous, etc, I have also begun seriously reading Suddenly Fruit, Linda Pennisi's new book. (I had been just sort of perusing it).
Good in bed is depressingly like my own life in some ways, and not because I'm good in bed. It is kind of funny and poignant, though! So far. I just learned about Nifkin---hmmmm! Nifkin lounge at ESF?
If you noticed the used tag on the CD box, I like buying books and tapes and CDs used. Not just because I'm unemployed and hopefully frugal, I also believe in recycling--it's good for the environment!
P365-07B. I was away all day yesterday so to keep up my 365 "commitment,"* I shall have to backpost something, but we are about to leave to be away all day today too, or at least a good part of the remaining portion of the day! Going to explore a new park where we're never been, Algonac State Park. And yes, we have lots of pictures from yesterday's trip to Jackson--but no time right now to post any.
*see earlier posts about the degree of my commitment here. LOL!
PS, this is not my photo, but a scan, obviously, of the CD cover. I said I would say if photos we not mine. So, there it is.
Friday, January 19, 2007
Thursday, January 18, 2007
I am grateful for an opportunity to write, do art, be creative.
Besides, I'm sending love to my Mom--and to YOU!
I did my Project 365 blogging today at Invisible Trail, Imagik, Imagik, and others.
Under normal circumstances, that may not seem like a miracle, but since my mother died, I've been so busy I haven't been able to do simple things I need to do to care for myself. So I am happy for a moment, happy to be clean and dressed and fed. I'm alone in the house, and that is not all I've done.
- I called the social security administration to let them know Mom was dead. They want me to notify that bank to return any checks that get sent after now, in error.
- I talked to Jim at Maurer funeral home about the return of the cremains and other issues, like renting a room there for a memorial service if that's what we want to do. Yes, we can. Or we might want to do it at a church where they have a place for a meal. He said, among other things.
- I notified more people. Still more to go.
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
Monday, January 15, 2007
That's where I have posted chapters 4 and 5 of my children's novel, Frog Haven. In Draft form.
This is my Project 365-07A (365 days of 2007's Art) entry for the day. I'm not sure I am going to keep playing because I am working on a novel and posting takes a lot of tiem. Posting properly with links etc takes even more time. Because I do art and photography and blogging on a number of different blogs, you'll have to look at them all, LOL, to see if I am playing along that day or not! A = art, Ph = Photography, W = writing (novels etc, prose), P = poetry, B = Blog (just a normal blog entry. I absolutely do NOT guarantee to to one of EACH every day. Maybe I will do one or more a day of any one of them. And maybe I won't. And if I miss, I may or may not make it up. After all--which is more important, life or posting every day? And which is more important, blogging or my novel?
Sunday, January 14, 2007
We had planned to go to Gail's today, but were unable to go because of the ice storm! We were sad to miss Gail! Later in the day it cleared enough to go to Belle Isle. We took tons of photos. The first two are Keith's and the second two are mine. I have a "thing" for bridges--I take lots of pictures of them. These two are a stone's throw apart and Keith's self portrait of us was taken from the cement car bridge looking twoard the red steel foot bridge. Project 365 photos for today. I also posted to BP today! That was my 365 art for the day! But I drew it over a period of a number of days.
Friday, January 12, 2007
I've just posted chapters 2 & 3 of my latest draft of Frog Haven.
(Project 365 for today!)
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
I was glad to see we will be working for peace on another day, but disappointed that that day is so far away. Peace is so important. I am greedy for more of it. More peace, less death and destruction. So yes, I'm in favor on 2 minutes of peace on December 30, 2007 at8 PM.
Meanwhile, let's also work for world peace every day, and for 3 minutes of peace on some closer day. How about June 30? March 30? Am I making it too small a thing to want more of it, to talk about it more?
Sunday, January 07, 2007
We went to see the movie, The Freedom Writers, Friday night. Other than the fact that the actors and actresses all looked older than they should have been, I really enjoyed the movie--a lot. Inspiring! It seems to be part of a genre of such movies, but I still really enjoyed it. I like what it stood for, I liked the message, I liked the way it was portrayed. I deeply support the idea of diversity, I like books, reading, education and WRITING! YAY! I like working and fighting for what you want and believe in!
(Photos not by me. Most other photos on my blog are mine unless otherwise noted.)